Let me back up a minute. I never worry about Ethan's appointments. I really don't. I walk into them expecting to hear back good results. But for some reason, I'm dreading this particular blood test. And I believe the reason is simple. I'm afraid. I'm afraid they won't tell me that his blood is still 100% donor cells. I'm afraid they'll tell me his old blood/marrow has started developing again (his cancer was in his blood, thus the reason for the blood/marrow transplant). I'm afraid of having them tell me he's showing some traces of his old blood type and then having to make a decision about whether it's a fluke that will go away on its own, or to go ahead and start the chemo. I just don't like thinking about any of it. And there's something a bit "final" about this blood test than all of his other ones, and I'm just not ready to face it. I assure you, the old saying "Ignorance is bliss", is quite true for me. Our lives are lived out daily in simple but beautiful ways now, and I desperately desire for that to continue and for cancer (or any talks of it!) to never have a place in Ethan's life again. This test is so significant in some ways, and in some ways I don't want to know the outcome. I'm loving our life right now. I don't want to think about anything else.
But I know that's not how it goes. Ignorance may be bliss, but only for a while. At some point, you've gotta face the music. I know that there's no point in faith if we don't live it out during the potential storms. When the wind starts blowing, we can get scared and think we need to run for cover. But wind doesn't mean a storm is imminent. It's just a distraction inviting us to panic. And my faith is certainly distracted by the wind lately. Pray for my faith to be strengthened. Pray for the temptation to worry or fret be gone away from me. I want to walk into this appointment just like I do all the others. No worries. Complete Faith. Knowing the outcome is going to be great!
The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.