Have you ever had to wait on someone? I'm mean really wait on someone? I remember the first time I came to Connecticut to visit Adam for the weekend. This was back in the Spring of 2004, and like I said, it was my first time to visit Adam in Connecticut... actually, it was my first time to ever visit Connecticut... and my first time to meet his family. His parents have several spare bedrooms and I ended up occupying one of them that weekend. Well, I arrived from Dallas late in the evening and Adam and I had plans to spend the next day in NYC. As it became time for me to settle in for the night, I set the alarm clock that was in the room I was staying in, for the time I needed to get up the next morning in order to have enough time to get ready for our day in New York. The next morning, the alarm clock goes off and I start my day & felt very very rested! I'm making excellent time, so I spend some extra time on the "details". Anyway, as I'm getting ready in my borrowed room, I hear Adam come into the house downstairs. Of course, I look at the clock and see that I have plenty of time... like 45 minutes (!) before I was expecting him to pick me up. I remember thinking how cute it was that he was so early, but at the same time, I remember thinking that I needed time to finish the "details", so I wasn't in a rush. I mean he was 45 to 50 minutes early mind you!!
So la-tee-dah... taking my time... make up? check! curling iron? check! adorable outfit? check! perfume? check! fancy high heel boots that were a ridiculous choice for walking around NYC? CHECK! And man, even with checking and double checking all the details, I was still downstairs 10 minutes before we had planned to leave. Pretty good, I'd say!
So there we are, driving down the highway, on our way to NYC and I look at Adam's clock in the car. I was extremely confused because it was about an hour later than we had planned on leaving. Oh wait, did I fail to mention that this happened to be around the time of year after which the time change had taken place - ya know, "spring forward"? Oh, and did I fail to mention that since the spare bedroom I had stayed in hadn't been used in quite a while, the clock near the bedside wasn't changed? And did I fail to mention that I didn't notice this on my own the night before because I had just come in from Dallas and Dallas is an hour behind Connecticut anyway, and I never thought about that fact when I looked at the clock on my cell phone and the clock on the table! Of course you see where this is going. Adam wasn't 45 or 50 minutes early. I was 30 to 45 minutes late!! And the funny thing is - I didn't even know it! He's wondering what was taking me so long and I thought I was early! He's such a sweetheart though, because he didn't even say anything about it. He was content to leave when we did and wasn't going to mention anything about how long he was waiting for me. In fact, we may have never ended up knowing what happened if I hadn't noticed the "correct" time in the car. After we figured out all of the missing links, we all had quite a laugh. (However, it was not funny how bad my feet were hurting in those boots at the end of the day).
I've thought about that whole episode again tonight. Over the last two weeks, there has been a consistent message that I continue to encounter. It's the thought that God is waiting for me. Being on the other side of Ethan's illness now, I've stumbled along trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to do with everything the Lord has given us. Everything He's allowed us to see. When you stand along side and witness such a dramatic miracle, and small miracles every step of the way... you come to a point where, in the midst of awe and speechless gratitude, you pause and take a moment to let it all hit you. And there comes a time in the mental process of trying to understand everything that just happened in your life, that you realize you can't understand everything that just happened in your life. And oddly enough, you are all of a sudden both sure and unsure of so many different things.
Somewhere in the middle of all of that is where I've been lately.
And to be honest, aside from the obvious responsibilities as wife and mom, I really haven't been sure of what to do... what I'm supposed to do... what God is going to do with my life as a result of what He's done in my life. So I've been waiting. Waiting to hear from Him that I have the green light. Waiting for assurance that our miracle is complete and there's nothing left to fear. Waiting for the Lord to restore the parts of our lives that have been lost or put on hold over the past 7 months. I've been waiting on God. But I've realized, slowly (because I'm quite the stubborn one), & through His patient love, that He may very well simply be waiting on me.
I've been waiting for proof of the promises He's already given us. He is not holding me back from accepting and rejoicing in all that we've been given... I am. Faith rewarded, to Him, is a "done deal". And instead of moving forward, I find myself stepping back and asking, "Are You sure You haven't changed Your mind?!?". "Am I sure of all that has taken place?!"
And Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” And the LORD said to Moses, “Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward. But lift up your rod, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it. And the children of Israel shall go on dry ground through the midst of the sea.
You can read the whole story in context if you wish, but the bottom line is that the Israelites had just been deliverd by God from Egyptian slavery, encountered some fear, and weren't sure what to do. Moses told them to wait on the Lord - which isn't bad - except that wasn't what God wanted them to do at that point in time. God interjects with a "what are you waiting for? I've given you full deliverance! Don't worry. Let's go! It's time to move... time to come with me... not wait." (that is of course my own personal translation of the text, however I think it expresses the point quite well!)
See, I've been spending too much time waiting for some sort of confirmation. While failing to realize that the confirmation has been revealed to us time and time again. In extremely specific ways. So then why the need to continue "waiting" on the Lord? Exactly! This particular period of waiting is over. The "need" to wait started happening in our lives - in my life - at 11:00 pm on April 8, 2008. And the Lord's desire through each step was for us to be still and trust Him. His desire is still for us - for me - to trust Him. But the change is that He's now waiting for me. Waiting for me to move into the next phase of His ever-unfolding plan. And just like the story I shared of Adam's patience in waiting for me, God would never through it in my face that it has taken me a while to "get ready". In fact, I thought I was doing the right thing. But I'm understanding that what I called "waiting on the Lord", became a security blanket for my fear.
Lord, Your patience brings me to tears... thank You for waiting for me as I've spent extra time on unnecessary details... but I see You... down the road... waiting for me to join You.
And I want You to know...
Oh, and just to reiterate one small thing with regard to my earlier story, let's all remember that as far as I knew, I was early!