Sunday, October 26, 2008

day by day

I have found myself, over the past 5 or so weeks that we've been home, full of so many different thoughts and emotions. Coming out of the thick of the battle (or at least hoping that we have), I'm finding myself pulled towards so many words that define all the various stages of my trying to mentally process all that has taken place in our lives. I call it stages because for every one step forward, mentally, there are two steps backwards.

Amazed. Thankful. Worried. Vulnerable. Afraid. Sustained. Determined. Weak. Tired. Weary. Still. Hopeful. Ready. Scared. Loved. Frustrated. Critical. Sad. Blessed.

Trying to get back to normal has been so wonderful, but there are many times that I also feel so lost. The past 7 months of our lives have been so planned and focused on Ethan's treatment protocol... step after step of following a plan... and we've now completed each of the phases that were mapped out for us, and it's easy to find yourself thinking..."ok, what do we do now"? And when you start (or when I start) moving forward with getting our lives back, instead of confidence, I find fear. I know it sounds backwards. God has shown Himself wonderful in Ethan's live (and in ours) over and over and over again. Yet, I have to be honest, when something like this has been allowed to enter your life, regardless of the outcome, I think you can't help but feel vulnerable - even if it's only for a moment. And I do. My heart knows better. Trust me on that. But I also know that we do not know the thoughts and plans of the Lord... and sometimes there's a significant temptation to be scared of that.

I don't have a "conclusion" so to speak, but more of an open heart of prayer to the Lord lately that He'd, once again, get through this thick skull of mine and restore His joy to my worry-wart self.

Be in prayer for us tomorrow (Monday) as we go back to Boston. The assumed yeast rash Ethan was diagnosed with last Monday has now spread. I'm not sure what this means, but I'm hoping it's easily treatable and possibly even re-diagnosed maybe more correctly. Also, Ethan has been quite fussy lately (not quite himself). Of course, my mind goes in a million directions of what could be wrong... with all the potential tummy-irritating medications he's on, long term side effects from the transplant that he could encounter at any time, or just normal baby issues like teething! It's very hard for me to tell what's wrong at times and very easy for self-doubt to occur. Prayer for wisdom is an understatement!

I'll close tonight with a hymn that has become one of my favorites as of late. I love it when the Lord sees fit to speak to me in a song.

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.
Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.
Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.


huntsouth said...

Kasey, We all manage to run the gamut of emotions that, like Elijah, leave us afraid and running, even after experiencing a mountain-top victory.
You are all prayed for and thought of often.
Your baby is a miracle!
That is still so exciting--and God does new miracles every day!
Love, Amy

Honea Household said...

Praise God for His sovereignty. It's a mystery to us, but comfort at the same time.

Praying for you and Ethan. And daddy, too.

Heather said...

I will pray for a good report on Ethan's rash. Also, I will pray for your rest, peace and confidence.

Carrie Comstock said...

You and I have discussed this before, and you know I'm praying for you in this regard. Thank you for being so open with your heart.