Emotional Cleansing

Over the last couple of days I had been in quite a mood. This spirit of defeat had descended upon me and had consumed every single part of my being. I was numb, callous, irritated and jaded. To say I was feeling sorry for myself would be putting it mildly. It was as if I had let any type of love, comfort, encouragement or joy escape me. I felt nothing. Except cold and closed off on the inside. I was once again overwhelmed with all that was happening and will happen in our lives... growing more and more cold-hearted and irritated. I wanted to shake it off, and I even talked to Adam several times about what I was feeling and how I couldn't get rid of it. I was like this for a few days. Closed off to any emotion. I wasn't even "feeling" the negativity that was in my being, it was just something that I had accepted and was living it out daily. I had given into a mother's worst fear. I had given into self-pity. I had given into complete defeat and didn't want to "go through the motions" when my defeated outlook made me believe my son wouldn't make it in the end. I just didn't want to do any of this anymore because I had allowed myself to believe any and every lie that the devil, (the "hunter") himself was throwing at me. It was as if at one point the "shield of truth" that I had fervently held up for protection had fallen, and I didn't bother picking it back up. Instead I allowed the "arrows of lies" to come right at me and pierce me wherever they chose. The first arrow came slowly but steadily. The hunter shot it up high into the air, and it took it's time coming down and eased its way into my faith. I should have reached for my shield, but I didn't. He delayed the next of his arrows, allowing my weakened faith to slowly shatter, but then he released the rest of them and they came faster and faster... and then all at once until I was on the verge of spiritual and emotional death. He went for my faith first, then my joy, then my hope, then my peace... until there was nothing good left in me. If you can imagine a sort of medieval soldier laying there with arrows and swords sticking out of him, left to die. That was me. Not physically of course, but mentally, spiritually, and emotionally... It had appeared the hunter had won the battle... and for a while I was content to let him. I had, in most respects, given up.

And then the Lord said NO.

I received a card in the mail last night that woke me up from my catatonic state. That was the first arrow that the Lord removed. He used that encouragement to bandage up the smaller wounds first. But I was in need of more help. The arrows of lies had penetrated very deep and needed to be tenderly and carefully removed. But who better than the Creator of Life to do the "surgical" work. The rest of my healing came yesterday morning - Mother's Day. Adam and I both went to church together for the first time in over a month. My parents came to the hospital to stay with Ethan to allow Adam to take me out for Mother's Day. As we were driving to church, I quietly asked the Lord to talk to me and to touch me. I repeated that to myself several times over. And He did. I felt as if our pastor's message was specifically for me. I'm sure others felt that way, too... but the Lord was talking to me. He was touching each wound I had acquired and was healing it with each word that our pastor spoke. The tears started to fall down my cheek within the first 5 minutes of the sermon. I was slowly releasing the pain. I tried to dry the tears since I was sitting in church! But they kept coming. They needed to come. By the end of the sermon, our pastor called for anyone who needed to cry out their hearts before God, to come to the altar and do so. I felt compelled to go. I did go. And I wept. I hadn't wept since we found out about Ethan's diagnosis. I have cried... but not truly wept. But I did. And with each tear God was bandaging up another wound, then another, then another... until He had taken all of the lies and breathed new life into my being. Yet He didn't stop there. When we got back to the hospital I had a very comforting email from the lady (Debby) whose son (Parker) had and was cured from JMML. Her words brought me the extra peace and reinforced hope I was needing. Throughout the day, God had spoken to every area in my being that had been damaged. What a time of personal healing for me... and on Mother's day of all days.

I know it will take some time for the bandages to be ready to come off and for my full strength to return, but I cherish the reminder that my Lord is on my side. And though small battles appear to be lost in weakness sometimes, He will not allow the hunter to destroy me... or Ethan.

The victory is His... and the victory is mine.
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Ethan is still on chemo for a few more days. We've not noticed any side effects, but continue to be in prayer about that. Also be in prayer that he responds well and we can go back home next weekend for a few more days. We've not heard from Boston yet for a consultation, so that's a continued prayer request as well.

To EBC - it was wonderful to spend the morning with you yesterday. Thank you for letting me weep and for praying for me as I did. Thank you also for the hugs, the encouragement, the smiles, the cards and the gifts you gave. Your thoughtfulness was so touching. Thank you to my friends and family who sent me messages, emails and cards. And thank you to my husband, my parents, Kari/Jason, and my in-laws for my special gifts. All of you helped make my first Mother's Day completely wonderful... in so many ways.

))

p.s. - Throughout this journey with Ethan I have found other babies that are also in need of prayer. I've posted links to their websites on the right hand corner of my site under the pictures.