Monday, May 12, 2008

Emotional Cleansing

Over the last couple of days I had been in quite a mood. This spirit of defeat had descended upon me and had consumed every single part of my being. I was numb, callous, irritated and jaded. To say I was feeling sorry for myself would be putting it mildly. It was as if I had let any type of love, comfort, encouragement or joy escape me. I felt nothing. Except cold and closed off on the inside. I was once again overwhelmed with all that was happening and will happen in our lives... growing more and more cold-hearted and irritated. I wanted to shake it off, and I even talked to Adam several times about what I was feeling and how I couldn't get rid of it. I was like this for a few days. Closed off to any emotion. I wasn't even "feeling" the negativity that was in my being, it was just something that I had accepted and was living it out daily. I had given into a mother's worst fear. I had given into self-pity. I had given into complete defeat and didn't want to "go through the motions" when my defeated outlook made me believe my son wouldn't make it in the end. I just didn't want to do any of this anymore because I had allowed myself to believe any and every lie that the devil, (the "hunter") himself was throwing at me. It was as if at one point the "shield of truth" that I had fervently held up for protection had fallen, and I didn't bother picking it back up. Instead I allowed the "arrows of lies" to come right at me and pierce me wherever they chose. The first arrow came slowly but steadily. The hunter shot it up high into the air, and it took it's time coming down and eased its way into my faith. I should have reached for my shield, but I didn't. He delayed the next of his arrows, allowing my weakened faith to slowly shatter, but then he released the rest of them and they came faster and faster... and then all at once until I was on the verge of spiritual and emotional death. He went for my faith first, then my joy, then my hope, then my peace... until there was nothing good left in me. If you can imagine a sort of medieval soldier laying there with arrows and swords sticking out of him, left to die. That was me. Not physically of course, but mentally, spiritually, and emotionally... It had appeared the hunter had won the battle... and for a while I was content to let him. I had, in most respects, given up.

And then the Lord said NO.

I received a card in the mail last night that woke me up from my catatonic state. That was the first arrow that the Lord removed. He used that encouragement to bandage up the smaller wounds first. But I was in need of more help. The arrows of lies had penetrated very deep and needed to be tenderly and carefully removed. But who better than the Creator of Life to do the "surgical" work. The rest of my healing came yesterday morning - Mother's Day. Adam and I both went to church together for the first time in over a month. My parents came to the hospital to stay with Ethan to allow Adam to take me out for Mother's Day. As we were driving to church, I quietly asked the Lord to talk to me and to touch me. I repeated that to myself several times over. And He did. I felt as if our pastor's message was specifically for me. I'm sure others felt that way, too... but the Lord was talking to me. He was touching each wound I had acquired and was healing it with each word that our pastor spoke. The tears started to fall down my cheek within the first 5 minutes of the sermon. I was slowly releasing the pain. I tried to dry the tears since I was sitting in church! But they kept coming. They needed to come. By the end of the sermon, our pastor called for anyone who needed to cry out their hearts before God, to come to the altar and do so. I felt compelled to go. I did go. And I wept. I hadn't wept since we found out about Ethan's diagnosis. I have cried... but not truly wept. But I did. And with each tear God was bandaging up another wound, then another, then another... until He had taken all of the lies and breathed new life into my being. Yet He didn't stop there. When we got back to the hospital I had a very comforting email from the lady (Debby) whose son (Parker) had and was cured from JMML. Her words brought me the extra peace and reinforced hope I was needing. Throughout the day, God had spoken to every area in my being that had been damaged. What a time of personal healing for me... and on Mother's day of all days.

I know it will take some time for the bandages to be ready to come off and for my full strength to return, but I cherish the reminder that my Lord is on my side. And though small battles appear to be lost in weakness sometimes, He will not allow the hunter to destroy me... or Ethan.

The victory is His... and the victory is mine.
Ethan is still on chemo for a few more days. We've not noticed any side effects, but continue to be in prayer about that. Also be in prayer that he responds well and we can go back home next weekend for a few more days. We've not heard from Boston yet for a consultation, so that's a continued prayer request as well.
To EBC - it was wonderful to spend the morning with you yesterday. Thank you for letting me weep and for praying for me as I did. Thank you also for the hugs, the encouragement, the smiles, the cards and the gifts you gave. Your thoughtfulness was so touching. Thank you to my friends and family who sent me messages, emails and cards. And thank you to my husband, my parents, Kari/Jason, and my in-laws for my special gifts. All of you helped make my first Mother's Day completely wonderful... in so many ways.
p.s. - Throughout this journey with Ethan I have found other babies that are also in need of prayer. I've posted links to their websites on the right hand corner of my site under the pictures.


Amy said...

Kasey, Thanks for being such an encouragment to me. We pray for you and Ethan daily.
-Ryan and Amy

Anonymous said...

Anytime you find within your self that you feel defeted just look to all of us for strength. The power of love and prayer is stronger and more resilent than the hunter himself. Together we will all beat this one day at a time. I continue to pray for Ethan and for you and Adam to have the strength to make it through this trying time. Happy mothers day
Desira Chapdelaine

Carrie Comstock said...

Thank you, again, for being so candid with us. For sharing your heart with us. I count it a honor to pray with you and for you and your family and sweet baby Ethan.

As I said in my email on Friday, you have been thrown into the deep end of motherhood. You really are swimming with grace and style. But know it is okay to use a life vest and to swim to shore from time to time to recoup.

You are loved.

Anonymous said...

What a joy to see you and Adam in church together. We will continue to pray that one day all three of you will be back in church together. Your faith is a blessing to us all, a real sign of the Lord's comfort during difficult times. As we see Him comfort you, we are reassured that He will comfort us in our times of need. We love you all and are praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I came across these verses in my devotions the other day, and my thoughts immediately flooded to you. Psalms 9:9-10 - The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in the times of trouble. And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee. Hold fast to God's word, and the truths and promises that are in it. My family and I are in continued prayer for you, your husband, and your sweet baby boy Ethan.
A sister in Christ from South Carolina

Hollie said...


I can't even see the computer screen right now, because the tears are just flowing.

I went back last night and read some of your blog looking for ANY ounce of encouragment that could give me something. I am so empty and hurt so bad and I know YOU understand.

I thought about you and Ethan and cried more when I thought that you are actually living this out....and doing it beautifully, while we have not been diagnosed with anything and the fear is overwhelming.

Your words and comments are so helpful to me right now and when I think about what is happening to us, I think of you and Ethan and smile!

I am praying so hard that Ethan continues to have no side effects and I am also praying about the consult. And, KNOW that I will always be praying for YOU!!

Even if this proves to be a virus, I have walked too close to where you are sitting right now. You are AMAZING, and I look up to you!

I am so glad you had a wonderful Mother's Day! As you read this, know I am praying! Love ya, girl!

Anonymous said...

My Beautiful Kasey Jean,
I sent a special prayer up for you on Mothers Day! I wasnt sure it would be a happy day or a sad day for you. It was incredible to hear that you got to go to church and that the LORD had a special message just for you. He has an amazing way of pulling the arrows out and healing us when we are suffering and in pain. Giving praise to our Heavenly Daddy for Ethan's progress and peaceful sleep while in the hospital. Praising HIM too for your family, friends and even the medical staff that they have been so loving and supportive during this tough journey. HIS blessing never cease to amaze me. Hang on to that Shield girl.. if you fall down just pick it back up and know that you are on the side that wins... To God be the Glory... Loving you and asking God to wrap you in the comfort of his mighty arms. MM

Mema & Pepa said...

Kasey, we are so very proud to have you as a daughter. We know that God has a special plan for you, Adam and Ethan. We love the three of you very much. Love, Ethan's Mema and Pepa

Anonymous said...

Precious Kasey,
I don't even know where to begin... I want you to know how AMAZINGLY STRONG you are!!! I have been reading all your blogs, and just can't even imagine what you and Adam are going through, but know this... I am praying for Ethan! Praying that his little body will be strengthened, and that Jesus will work an all-out miracle- leaving the doctors stumped and amazed! I'll be driving in my car, radio blaring, and I'll hear a still, small voice telling me to turn off the radio, and pray for you and Ethan. I obey that voice always- so I'm hoping that maybe those are the times when you are needing a prayer the most... I am praying for you, Adam, and precious little Ethan- that every day he will grow stronger and stronger, and that the Lord will take out all of those cancer cells for a miraculous healing. I will also start to pray for an exact match for a Bone Marrow donor. I'm SO glad you had a nice Mother's Day. If ANYONE deserves praise and accolades on Mother's day, it is YOU!!! Love and blessings, Shelby (Pitts) Langford