Tuesday, October 14, 2008

now continued...

I was re-reading what I posted last Sunday evening. I got to the part where I said that even if God hadn't spared our son, I'd know that He had a wonderful/necessary purpose for it and I'd have accepted it. I wanted to come back to that here for a second. Because, I never intend to say things here unless I mean them. And I'm quite reflective when I'm writing so I can honestly say that whatever my fingers bring to life, is very purposeful and intended. I say this because I wanted to wipe away any cause for doubt that I might not have meant what I said. I meant it.

However, I didn't expound on the details of how I knew I could make such a statement.

When Adam and I first found out about Ethan's diagnosis we honestly were not sure that he'd survive. Even the doctors were very careful to give us too much hope. We were told that even with a successful transplant, Ethan would have a 50/50 chance of long term survival. I get choked up now just thinking about that painful realization we had to face. And it was in those early moments of Ethan's treatments that Adam and I really understood that we might lose our son. We had to understand that such an end result was possible and could be in God's plan for our lives. We cried. Many times. Many, many times. And each day was such a question mark, on many levels. But we chose to believe that whatever happened, God was ultimately working a greater good in our lives and in the lives of those around us.

Faith.

Yes, certainly, absolutely!! a piece of us would have died, deep within our beings - and may have taken years, or even a lifetime to fully heal - had we lost our precious baby. But in my heart I knew that God wasn't any less than I've always known Him to be, and that He would have brought me out of the pit of pain and to the other side, eventually enabling me to see the purpose.

So that's the explanation behind the statement, "But Who, even if He hadn't, would still have my love and admiration because I know such a result would have been necessary for the growth/development/maturity in my life or someone else's, resulting in His perfect plan for us to see and understand another dimension of who He is".

Whether it was necessary or not, I wanted you to know that my saying that wasn't without meaning, knowing that I had very deeply & personally experienced such a possibility... and had to, in my heart, make such a decision.

A step of faith. Either way. A step of faith.

Proverbs 16:9 - A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.

Now I'll also say that faith is not easy. The concept is easy. But the action is not.

Easy Concept - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not depend on your own ability or your own reasoning. And never worry about any of the details of your life... leave them in God's hands. Sounds good! Remove the drama and stress and let's go to the beach!

Difficult Action - uh... but... what if... what if... what if... I need... it's impossible... I can't... He won't... now not later... etc. Basically, worrying - being a control freak - fear, worrying, oh and worrying some more. (That would sum up my daily struggles!)

We could live in peace, but we're afraid to let go. We could live in peace, but we think a detail will get overlooked. We could live in peace, but we believe that if we don't do something, it won't get done. We could live in peace, but we think our lives won't be what we want if we aren't controlling them. But, the bottom line to it all is that we could live in peace. If we only allowed ourselves. And allowed Him.

I'm don't have it all together in my life... I just know that faith exercised, (like a body that is exercised), yields much reward.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Beautiful Kasey! Thank you for telling me something I already knew, but just needed a little reminder. Always praying.

Following Him said...

Kasey-This puts life in perspective. This was a wonderful post and is something I needed to read. Ethan is a miracle and God is watching over him! Still praying!!!
~Elyse~

huntsouth said...

Thank you for the great reminder.
We cannot control any outcomes by worrying or wishing. But since we're so weak, we need to keep saying, Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief.
Keep leaning on the everlasting arms!
Love, the Hunts

kari said...

Exactly what I needed to hear....I spent over an hour today exercising in order to achieve certain fitness goals. And in the same way, when my faith is being tested (or exercised), I need to realize that from that testing God will yield in me a better result.

Thank you sis....I love you so much :)

Hope said...

What a beautiful post! You have such a gift.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you all. Knowing what a beautiful and difficult path faith is lived out. May His peace be with you.
JoAnn

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Kasey, for your soul searching and your honesty. Your comments have really helped me with my struggles far less than what you and you husband have been through. I'll say it again: You should consider putting your blog in book form. I think many would be blessed by your thoughts and insights.