I already posted something earlier today... and I should be sleeping... but I can't get these gnawing thoughts out of my mind. It's been three weeks to the day since Ethan's transplant. He's not showing real signs of engrafting the new cells yet. They tell us not to worry. They tell us cord blood transplants take longer than bone marrow transplants to develop into the patient's body. They tell us that there is still time and that they hope to see some activity in his counts within the next 5 to 10 days.
There's a tightness in my chest. Tears fighting to fall. If I were a leaf on a tree, this very moment would be my attempt at hanging on in the midst of the fiercest wind. The dangerous "what ifs" are knocking hard at my door. No, not now... not after everything has been so good... I can't let them in... we've come too far... I can't let them in.
Help me Lord as I'm tempted tonight
To 'wonder' if everything will be all right.
Fear begins to creep
And my eyes are wanting to weep,
But instead of unfounded sorrow
Give me assurance for the tomorrows.
Let this trial soon leave
And give me the strength to continue to believe
That his life will have Your favor
And sweet years ahead will be ours to savor.
Sweet Lord, whisper in my ear...
Remove the fear.