I started writing this post at two different times yesterday. My time on the computer revolves around Ethan sleeping, so during his morning nap I had a train of thought going that was on its way to being 3 lengthy paragraphs. Then my little child woke up, then it was time for me to go grab some lunch at his next nap, then it was play time... and by the time I came back to what I was writing, I simply didn't feel compelled to finish. My state of mind had changed. So I saved it as a draft and decided I'd wait until I felt my thoughts were more organized. Later in the evening, I sat back down at this computer and started over... this time, my thoughts had come together in a slightly different perspective. But again, mid-way through my attempt at explaining what was on my mind, I had to stop. I stared at the words - and though they were a true and real expression of what's going on in this life of mine - the Lord kept bringing me back to being "still". So I stopped typing again... this time only two paragraphs.
I've tried to figure out what this all meant, and I think I've decided that I'm not sure. There's such a battle between my heart and my mind. My heart knows. My mind questions.
I believe it's completely on purpose that the verse in Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."
It takes effort for me to get my mind to settle down. Sometimes my heart and my mind line up with each other and sometimes my mind just taunts. My heart has peace. My mind is restless. There are several times throughout the Bible in which God tells us to keep our minds sober, renewed, and not fixated on earthly things. And likewise, there are countless times in which the Bible makes separate references to our hearts. They are not one in the same. In fact, like I said, mine are often at odds with each other. At least that was the case with me yesterday.
My heart was overwhelmed with thankfulness to the Lord for ALL the blessings He's given to us. With Ethan doing so well, financial support, the continued encouragement... even the littlest of things that He does for me each day.
My mind, however, was thinking about how homesick I have been starting to feel. I miss being at home. I miss driving my car. I miss smelling the cologne that my hubby sprays right before he leaves for work each morning. I miss Ethan's room. I miss the three of us being together.
So as I debated which avenue I wanted to concentrate on for purpose of by post yesterday. I just ended up realizing that I simply needed to be still. Take it all in. Everything. Let the Lord work. Because He is trying to show me Himself. More of Himself. In fact, He's been so very kind in giving me the desires of my heart in many small ways. And I simply need to get quiet. Take it in. And thank Him. Focus on all He has done. Understand that He loves me. That He loves Ethan. That He loves Adam. And we are where He wants us to be. And when His plan is completed here, then we can go home. And everything in between will fall into place. If only I will be still and know.
Isaiah 26:3 - You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.
Lord, God.... You amaze me with your attention to detail to me. Thank you for honoring the prayers of protection over Ethan's body. Thank you so much for Your abundant goodness. I am learning so much more about You. So much that I don't even know how to respond back to You. Forgive me for the moments in which I doubt and forget. And thank You for continuing to look past those moments. Amen.
Ethan continues to thrive. He continues to eat like a horse! Docs are still amazed by that. He hasn't started to engraft yet, but he's doing very well in every other way. I could use more consistent sleep, but all in all, there's barely much else to "complain" about. We cannot thank you enough for your continued prayers for him and us. I'm sending a BIG HUG your way today!