Monday, March 30, 2009

too much

Ethan just went down for his morning nap and I decided to catch up on some computer time. Little did I know I was only minutes away from rapid tears streaming down my face in such a way that I had to get up and walk around the bedroom several times before sitting back down at the computer desk.

I started reading some blogs I follow - catching up on some of my favorites - and stumbled upon another blog (my heart breaks because there are soooo many websites of parents asking for prayer for their deathly sick children) of a mom, broken and weary as her 5 month old son fights for his life in the hospital. And though her son is fighting a completely different disease than our Ethan had been fighting, I was immediately taken back into those days of being in the hospital with him. The beeping machines, the various IV and tubes, the nurses & doctors giving hourly updates, the medications.... the fear.... the tears.... the prayers.... the ups and downs. All of it.

And I couldn't have stopped my crying this morning if I tried. But they weren't only tears of understanding the burden this mother is carrying, but my tears were also those of not understanding. Not understanding why Ethan has had his life restored. His life saved. When others do not. Crying in humility that my son is with me here at home, thriving, and this other child is literally a breath away from death. I can't stop the tears even now. I feel so unworthy of such a miracle, and even though I fully know our miracle didn't happen because we "deserved it", I still can't help but feel so small that God would give such mercy to us. I want my child saved. I believe he has been. But I also want these other children... these other families.... to have that as well. And it's so difficult to reconcile it all. But I know, as I've said many times, that God ways and dealings in our lives serve a significant purpose. All for His glory, in whatever shape or form that may be. If Ethan being alive after everything he went through, touches the life of someone else and leads them to the Lord, then that's reason enough for the miracle. And as hard as it is to even type these next words, if the testimony of the family who suffers the loss of a child touches someone (or many someones) who might not otherwise have been reached, and brings them closer to the Lord, then that is likewise a miracle. Father, whichever miracle this weary family receives, give them peace and comfort at this moment.

It's not easy to wrap our minds around it all. Because even now I feel uneasy. But through the weeping I know God has a purpose in all He does and allows. I know it and believe it. Sometimes He asks for what appears to be too much for us to sacrifice.... but He restores the broken pieces. He's faithful and He restores.

Lord, I don't always understand.... but I'm so thankful.... Ethan's life.... his healing..... allow this sobbing state I'm in somehow express to You my thanksgiving. Words fail me.


Lorri said...

Remember the simple truth from Psalm 139 that all our days were formed before one came to doesn't give understanding to the suffering of children (or Mommies for that matter1), but it does bring peace that our Good Father is in charge of it all.

Sending love, prayers and comfort,
Lorri S.

sara r said...

John 27:14, "My peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Not as the world giveth give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." My six year old has memorized this verse and shares it with anyone that will hear. Peace... something that only our Abba Father can give. I will be praying for you and for this family.
Love and prayers,
Sara R.

Natalie Ezelle said...

Kasey, thank you for sharing your heart today. There are a lot of things I don't understand right now (in a completely different way than you), but I am trying daily to saturate myself in prayer when I doubt and rest in the promises of God's word, that He is in control and that He does know best, regardless of the impact on us.

Amy D. said...

you know not how I needed to read this today...

today God has provided a great deliverance for my little family. I struggled to thank Him because I knew that although He allowed the outcome I wished for, His goodness was not based on that outcome. It was all a jumble in my mind. I tried to express it to my husband...."if God had not chosen to bless us today (and for many families he does not chose the answer we so mercifully recieved) He would still be good. Somehow trying to thank Him for our deliverance was so hard...I can't explain it at all!

But I am so thankful that you did explain it, because that is EXACTLY what I was trying to say. I just needed reminding...God's ways are above our ways, and He is to be trusted, no matter what. His mercies are everlasting, to those who rejoice, and to those who mourn. My family is rejoicing today, but we do mourn with those who mourn.

Thank you so much.