I'll explain why I chose that title in just a second, but I first wanted to take a minute and thank you for your encouragement in your comments and emails, and likewise for your prayers.
I hesitated to share with you all the details of what I had been dealing with the last several days because I didn't want to cause any panic, give the wrong impression, or even be a distraction to all of the wonderful works the Lord has been doing in our lives. But, the more I thought about it, the more I felt the Lord leading me to share so much (as He has often led before) because it's real. Well, it's real at that particular moment anyway. In having the sweet opportunity to hear your heart through your emails over the last several months, I see and understand that there are moments in which we all find ourselves stumbling into a pit of broken dreams, broken desires, broken promises from others, broken peace.... and many of you have given a particular kind of "praise" to me in how "I" have handled what "you" don't think that you could. And it was in that spirit that I wanted you to see that there is nothing special about me, necessarily, but instead something great about my God. I hit breaking points too. I have the moments of wanting to pull the cover over my head and pretend as though the world would stand still for me until I felt like getting up. And I felt the Lord's hand guiding me to share with you that I am quite normal - good days and bad days alike - when it comes to feelings, reactions, and temptations to give up or give in. Letting you see that, hopefully, gives you a glimpse of all the facets of this journey. If I only shared with you the moments of "monumental faith" or if all you saw from me was an attitude of complete peace all of the time, then I fear it would paint an unrealistic or unattainable picture. Since I know the blessing and the honor I get that you would read anything I had to say, I feel a sort of responsibility to let you in on a little bit of everything. And it's in the moments of brokenness that you can be reminded that I'm only as strong as my own weakest link. We all are. And it's important to me that you see that, because if you are walking down your own journey of faith, and have moments of weakness or frustration, I would never want you to compare or feel inadequate, thinking that your discouragement means you don't fully trust the Lord or something along those lines. My faith in God's protection and promise over mine, Adam's and especially Ethan's lives have not wavered. I trust Him completely. But there are times in which I do turn my eyes away from Jesus standing there in the water, and I look back at the boat (reference to the story in the Bible of Peter walking on the water to Jesus)... Moments in when I take my eyes off the prize. Imagine you're on a treadmill (or should be :o) that's been turned on and moving on it's own, you have to keep walking to stay on top of it. If you stop walking, well, you'll fall and slide right off. It's the same concept. We stop walking towards Jesus. We slip and fall. But of course it doesn't end there. He pulls us back up again. Anyway, I just wanted to take a minute this morning and remind both you and myself that there is nothing I can do without the power, love and strength of Christ. And I fail to remember that sometimes, and that's just how it goes. So I won't beat myself up in those moments of forgetfulness, only if you promise not to beat yourself up either!
On to the peek-a-boo... it's here. Ethan's first tooth has started to peek it's way through his little gum. And the tooth's neighbor is about to do the same! Poor baby... I know it's uncomfortable for him, but it's so cute to me! Yesterday while we were in Boston, Ethan grabbed my hand to "chew" on and OUCH! There was something quite sharp in that little mouth! Anyway, it's exciting to see this little bottom tooth (well, teeth, since there's another one about to break through, too!) start making their way. And can I just tell you how amazing it is that Ethan HAS NOT had a fever AT ALL as a result of his definite teething?!?! Remember, a fever (of any kind, any time of day) requires an immediate trip to the hospital so they can pump him full of antibiotics and observe him for a minimum of 48 hours. Reason being, his immune system is too weak to fight off infection so any fever has to be treated very seriously... even an assumed teething fever. But anyway, HE'S HAD NO FEVER!! I'm beyond thrilled and relieved by this sweet blessing of answered prayer from the Lord.
As for our Boston trip yesterday, thank you for praying... everything went very well. Ethan is doing very, very well. He didn't need any blood or platelet transfusions and based on some other tests they think that his need for them will start to now decrease.
I also had an unexpected conversation with the doctor. She told me that Ethan's blood has now fully transitioned over to the donor's blood. A strong indication that the new donor cells has fully engrafted... basically, that the transplant "took"! He's still not out of the clear for graft-versus-host-disease, but at least there's no longer a concern of overall graft failure. Ethan was born with the blood type of AB+, unfortunately it was his blood that was so diseased with cancer. Since his cord blood transplant, he is now consistently showing a blood type of O+. I just sat in wonder as I processed what the doctor was telling me. He has new life flowing through his veins. The old has been washed away, and the new is alive and working hard at rebuilding the insides of his little body. The imagery is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Ethan's physical life has been saved by the blood of a donor. And our eternal lives are saved by the blood of Christ. What a beautiful picture it all was for me yesterday and again today as I think about it all over again.