I got a call from Boston today.... we have an admission date for Ethan's transplant!
As of right now, the date Ethan will be admitted to Boston Children's hospital is August 4th. Adam, Ethan and I will be going to Boston on July 30th to review and discuss what Ethan's treatment plan will consist of (for example, radiation or no radiation, the final cord blood that was chosen, the details of his chemo and other medications, etc...), and Ethan will have some blood drawn a few tests run.
It was such a relief to have an official date in place (subject to change by a day or so, but we will know for sure during our visit on 7/30), but at the same time I felt a wave of apprehension flow through my body. There is an odd amount of comfort in "not knowing" things sometimes, and then there's of course comfort in "knowing" things. In our situation with Ethan, the "not knowing" when we'd be going to Boston has been a source of uncertainty and anxiety... but at the same time, it's been easy to pretend that life is normal and move on as if things weren't about to change. Like a sort of pleasant denial. But at the same time, you want to KNOW when things will change so you can start to prepare yourself. But, ya know, there is no real preparation.
You'd like to think that you can control your environment, that you can dot every 'i' and cross every 't', and that you can - on your own - be prepared for whatever life has for you. But it's just not true. You can lie to yourself and build a sort of temporary false hope in the fact that you've got everything under control... but really, understanding that you have NO control is the only thing you need to grasp in your "preparation efforts".
I don't know if any of this even makes sense. My mind is in a million and one places right now. I'm excited, nervous, thankful, scared, hopeful, determined, limp, eager... and well, you get the idea. But all I can come back to is knowing that no matter what I try to imagine these next few months looking like. No matter how much I think I know what to expect, the more I realize I have to stop.
I have to stop thinking, and over-thinking, and thinking again.
I have to stop.
Take a moment to breathe; soak it all in.
Then allow the tear to fall down my cheek.
The tear that represents my gratitude to the Lord for all that He has done for us and for Ethan...
And all that He will do.
And simply be content in believing that.
Psalm 91:9-12, 14-16 [emphasis added]
Because you have made the LORD... your dwelling place, No evil shall befall you, Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling; For He shall give His angels charge over you, To keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone. [To which the LORD says,] “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him , And show him My salvation.”