I have tears streaming down my face and there's not one particular reason, but many. I just got off the phone with our contact at Boston Children's Hospital for a transplant update and she told me that the donor samples have all come back to them now, and they are in the Boston lab for final testing. Then she said.... "So we should have the results for Ethan's donor very soon." As I'm talking to her, I just started to cry. She was very kind and patient with me, as I had her repeat those words to me several times. She believes that within a week or two, we will be getting a phone call telling us that they have a donor match and they are ready to talk to us about next steps. By this time, I'm bawling with quick, short breaths in between each word. She didn't know if the samples were bone marrow samples or cord blood samples, or a mixture of both. I asked that if it came down to them finding a match in a bone marrow sample AND in a cord blood sample, would we be able to hear the pros and cons of each and make the decision which we would prefer Ethan receive? She said yes, if it came down to any type of possible options, the parents get to decide which path to take, after the doctor has expressed her opinion and information. I thanked the woman repeatedly, hung up the phone and just started crying even more.
I think these tears represent a myriad of emotions.
I'm crying tears of joy because this long process in waiting for a donor match is finally at the end.
Crying tears of fear because everything we've been going through the last 2 1/2 months has oddly become routine and "normal", yet this next chapter is so full of the "unknown".
Crying tears of thankfulness to God for getting us to this point.... Lord, please do something great with this last step of the donor process. Please direct us towards the best option for Ethan, whether it be cord blood, or bone marrow.
Crying because I'm just a scared mom.
Crying because I'm a happy mom.
Crying because of the difficulty and sickness I will have to watch my baby endure during the transplant and for the days, weeks, and months to follow.
Crying because we are one step closer... one BIG step closer to our sweet Ethan being healed and cured of this disease. Oh God, do something great! PLEASE DO SOMETHING GREAT....
Oh dear one reading this right now, thank you so much for praying. Thank you for helping us plead to the Father about each step of the process we must go through with Ethan. These tears are also for you. My most sincerest form of gratitude is flowing down my face and filling up my eyes to the point that I can't even see what I'm typing. Thank you. Some day, some how the Lord will bless you because of the blessing you've been to us.
I was reading another blog/website the other day and read this woman's heart as she was sharing it with her readers and part of her story included the words.... "but I learned to keep Him at arm's length in the event that He let me down." I stopped and read that over and over and over. Each time I gained more and more understanding as to what faith really is, as opposed to what we choose to think it is sometimes. I was tenderly convicted by her statement, as I could completely relate to it in my own life. The light came on in my head and in my heart, as I contemplated. We must let Him in. There is no other choice. We must trust Him completely. Our Faith has to be constant, real and steadfast... not wavering.... because otherwise, we're keeping Christ at a distance. Reason being, I think, is that in a sense we're protecting our image of Him in case He were to let us down. We're afraid to truly "believe" because.... what if He doesn't come through in the way that my "complete faith" believed He would.... then what would that say about what I know about my all-powerful God.
But that in itself is the hiccup.
Slight doubt, means there's not complete faith. And we're called throughout the Bible to have such a faith. Lord, help me let go of the fear. Help me let go of all that I know or think that's not in line with Your truth. Continue to chip away at the chains around my heart and bring me into the power of complete, doubt-less faith.
Matthew 21:21 Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.