Friday, June 20, 2008

I'm in tears...

I have tears streaming down my face and there's not one particular reason, but many. I just got off the phone with our contact at Boston Children's Hospital for a transplant update and she told me that the donor samples have all come back to them now, and they are in the Boston lab for final testing. Then she said.... "So we should have the results for Ethan's donor very soon." As I'm talking to her, I just started to cry. She was very kind and patient with me, as I had her repeat those words to me several times. She believes that within a week or two, we will be getting a phone call telling us that they have a donor match and they are ready to talk to us about next steps. By this time, I'm bawling with quick, short breaths in between each word. She didn't know if the samples were bone marrow samples or cord blood samples, or a mixture of both. I asked that if it came down to them finding a match in a bone marrow sample AND in a cord blood sample, would we be able to hear the pros and cons of each and make the decision which we would prefer Ethan receive? She said yes, if it came down to any type of possible options, the parents get to decide which path to take, after the doctor has expressed her opinion and information. I thanked the woman repeatedly, hung up the phone and just started crying even more.

I think these tears represent a myriad of emotions.

I'm crying tears of joy because this long process in waiting for a donor match is finally at the end.

Crying tears of fear because everything we've been going through the last 2 1/2 months has oddly become routine and "normal", yet this next chapter is so full of the "unknown".

Crying tears of thankfulness to God for getting us to this point.... Lord, please do something great with this last step of the donor process. Please direct us towards the best option for Ethan, whether it be cord blood, or bone marrow.

Crying because I'm just a scared mom.

Crying because I'm a happy mom.

Crying because of the difficulty and sickness I will have to watch my baby endure during the transplant and for the days, weeks, and months to follow.

Crying because we are one step closer... one BIG step closer to our sweet Ethan being healed and cured of this disease. Oh God, do something great! PLEASE DO SOMETHING GREAT....

Oh dear one reading this right now, thank you so much for praying. Thank you for helping us plead to the Father about each step of the process we must go through with Ethan. These tears are also for you. My most sincerest form of gratitude is flowing down my face and filling up my eyes to the point that I can't even see what I'm typing. Thank you. Some day, some how the Lord will bless you because of the blessing you've been to us.

I was reading another blog/website the other day and read this woman's heart as she was sharing it with her readers and part of her story included the words.... "but I learned to keep Him at arm's length in the event that He let me down." I stopped and read that over and over and over. Each time I gained more and more understanding as to what faith really is, as opposed to what we choose to think it is sometimes. I was tenderly convicted by her statement, as I could completely relate to it in my own life. The light came on in my head and in my heart, as I contemplated. We must let Him in. There is no other choice. We must trust Him completely. Our Faith has to be constant, real and steadfast... not wavering.... because otherwise, we're keeping Christ at a distance. Reason being, I think, is that in a sense we're protecting our image of Him in case He were to let us down. We're afraid to truly "believe" because.... what if He doesn't come through in the way that my "complete faith" believed He would.... then what would that say about what I know about my all-powerful God.

But that in itself is the hiccup.

Slight doubt, means there's not complete faith. And we're called throughout the Bible to have such a faith. Lord, help me let go of the fear. Help me let go of all that I know or think that's not in line with Your truth. Continue to chip away at the chains around my heart and bring me into the power of complete, doubt-less faith.

Matthew 21:21 Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.

13 comments:

Hollie said...

I am crying tears of joy with you, Kasey. I know the unknown is scary...but how awesome that you are one step closer to getting Ethan better!

And thank YOU for sharing your heart, faith, joys and sadness with us. Thank You for allowing us on this journey and allowing us to watch God's handiwork! He is using the three of you to touch so many others! Praising Him right now (and still praying for that perfect match)! Love & Hugs!

Anonymous said...

Adam & Kasey:

That is the best news I have heard! God is hearing our prayers. We continue to pray for Ethan daily.

Love,

Auntie Joann

Anonymous said...

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! I am crying with you! What a blessing!

Continually praying for you EVERY step of the way...through every emotion, every fear, every step of faith...
Jennifer

Bryana said...

KASEY!! Wow! I am so excited for you all! I can't imagine the emotional roller coaster your on! What awesome news! We cant wait to hear more! We are praying for you, and Adam and your dear little baby Ethan's strength to be renewed daily! Amen! I'm sending a big hug to you! One step at a time and one step closer!!
Bryana

Dave & Elaine said...

Praise the Lord! I've been reading for a while now but have never left a note...
Thank you for letting us into your lives. We continue to pray for complete healing in Ethan's body. To God be the glory!

Mrs. MK said...

(((Kasey))) Praise God for the cleansing tears.....you have been through so much, and carried such a heavy load.....

Continuing to pray for something great!!!

Anonymous said...

KASEY!!! Praise the Lord!! We are continuing to pray for baby Ethan, you and Adam. Thank you Lord for the news Kasey received today, continue to give her and Adam strength and patience as they continue to wait on an exact donor match. Lord, you already know Ethans donor match, keep this person healthy. Lord, we praise you for your watch care over baby Ethan, continue to protect him from any infections. Continue to keep Adam and Kasey healthy. We love you God.Amen.
Kasey, that was a precious poem for Adams first Fathers Day, I wanted to tell you rhat before i forgot. :) Megan Pitts

Anonymous said...

WHAT GREAT NEWS!!!! OUR GOD IS SO GREAT! MAY HE TRULY BLESS YOUR FAMILY. LOVE AND PRAYERS,
MICHELLE

Mom K said...

Kasey & Adam,
I was so encouraged when I read your words & Romans 4:19-21 today. What a wonderful reminder that Abraham, though tested, did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God. He was fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised.

I too have know before Ethan's birth how special this "first born" son is. I look forward with awe each day as I see how God continues to use your lives, & Ethan's life in such a positive way.

Ethan's continued life holds no explanation except that "God did it." What a wonderful gift!
I can hardly wait for that phone call to let us know who God has "matched up" with Ethan.
Love,
Mom K

Elizabeth said...

Praise the Lord!Kasey!! I'm craying tears with you, God is hearing our prayers.What a blessing!!! We are praying for you, and Adam and your sweet little baby Ethan's! AMEN! We all continue to pray for complete healing in Ethan's body. GOD is GOOD!!! I'm seanding a big LOVE&HUG"S to you, and Adam and your precious baby Ethan.
Elizabeth&Family

Sharon said...

Kasey,

I've been following Ethan's journey. I too am also a mother of a baby boy that got diagnosed with ALL leukemia at the age of 4 months. He had 3 round of chemo and then off to transplant. Although transplant is a very risky journey, it's the only chance of a real survival we have with our little ones. I admire your faith and your trust in our Father, keep believing, He won't let you down. I am here for you should you have any questions, I have been down the exact same path you are embarking on. Although my son didn't have JMML, his was still considered high risk. We are now 6+ months post his BMT and doing well.

Sharon
CP: PapaAnthonyJoseph

Janelle & Ella said...

My body just got so full of excitement when I read your post! That is great news!
Your posts always teach me so much!
I will be praying.

Janelle & Ella said...
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