I feel the Lord calling, even urging me, to deeper faith. I thought I had the faith part of this whole journey fairly under control. I have no doubt that Ethan will be healed of this disease and I have no doubt that God is all-knowing and all-powerful. But I feel He's telling me, there's more. There's more? I believe Ethan will be healed, what "more" is there?
But there is more. And apparently, there's a lot more.
I have a devotional book (well, it's actually two books in one) - "Streams in the Desert" & "Springs in the Valley". And I've come to really love this book (thank you, Carrie!). However, lately, day after day after day, each devotional entry is about Faith. And not just your basic, every day kind of faith... but challenging, powerful, even commanding!, type of Faith.
Let me back up....
Last night I was talking to Adam about how disappointed I was. He was trying to figure out what I was sad about and I wasn't able to describe it other than to say that I was disappointed. He thought I meant that I was thinking "why us" or "this isn't fair". But that wasn't what I meant. I do not at all have a "why us" attitude about this situation with Ethan. In fact, my thought process is often, "well, why not us". And I certainly never entertain the thought of "this isn't fair".... because for me to say that, I'm essentially saying that there is someone else out there who should be dealing with this instead... and I just really don't feel that way. I really don't. But to say that I don't ever experience sadness or have desires for us to be doing "normal" family things each day, would be a lie. And the only way I can sum that up is to say that there are times in which I am disappointed. Again, not disappointed in the sense that I don't think this is fair, but disappointed in things like not being able to take Ethan to a pool this summer and walk with him in the water for his first splashing experience. Or disappointed that he will have to re-learn how to suck and swallow a bottle due to the feeding tube he will have for several months, disappointed to think about possible delays in his development (crawling, talking or walking) because of the various treatments he will go through, or disappointed that Ethan and I won't get to see Adam every day when we go to Boston..... stuff like that.
Anyway, after Adam left to head home for the night, I opened the devotional book I previously mentioned and yesterday's entry was about powerful, commanding faith. Which brings me to what I started talking about at the beginning of my post today. Every day lately, the message I read is about faith. And each day I feel the words are more and more pointed at me, provoking my thoughts that God's not finished with my level of faith.
It's not enough that I believe Ethan will be healed. There is a long journey between now and the day Ethan is cured.... many, many months.... possibly even longer. And though I believe the end result will be Ethan's healing, the "in between" I'd already resigned to the fact that it will be a very rough road. Without even being aware of it, I've let my mind wander about what Ethan will face the during the transplant phase and in the months after.... and it's often not positive thoughts. I've become mentally weary thinking about all we will have to endure until the day he is determined to be cured of his cancer... and just assuming there will be more bad than good. Because that's what they tell you will happen (If I listed all the junk Ethan will go through during and after his transplant, I'm sure you'd be too shocked and depressed to even eat chocolate! As a bone marrow transplant is the hardest transplant on the body, more than any organ or other kind of transplant). And, like I'm sure I've mentioned in other posts... I have a hard time looking past all of this. I struggle with seeing any "fun" down the road - family vacations, etc. I see Ethan being healed, but I struggle with really seeing what "normal" looks like after that.
I say all of this to say that the devotionals I read keep pushing the fact of deeper faith. And last night's was one of the most challenging of all. As I was reading, I was understanding what the Lord was trying to tell me. EACH step of this journey, He wants to be a part of. Not just the overall picture (aka: Ethan's healing). There are many steps that will bring Ethan to that healing and each of those steps do not have to be as hard, as painful, or as traumatic as I've assumed they would be on his body. I felt as if the Lord was telling, through the verses and words I was reading last night, to not stop pressing and stretching my faith about all of even the small details. Even so much as to challenge me to move into such a faith as if to command the power of the Lord's hands into action.
Moses parted the sea, Joshua was able to cause the sun to stand still, Elijah was able to stop the rain and have it start up again at his will, These examples are given to us for a reason. Though each of these are acts of God's power, His power was ignited to move by the faith of the ones asking Him. They assumed what they were asking would happen simply because they knew God - really knew Him - and didn't have any reason to doubt that He had given them full access to His power through their faith. How often are the words of our prayers, more habitual than sincere.... full of more unbelief than actual faith. If you stop and really think about all of this, it can be overwhelmingly inspiring.
There are many examples like these throughout the Bible. And though I could write more about what I feel I am learning about this, I will end by saying that faith is more than I think we understand it to be.... well, at least more than I've ever understood it to be.
And I have a feeling I've only just begun to find out how much more there is.