I am quite sure Ethan has grown well accustomed to my comforting him. He cries a little less, he calms a little easier, he cuddles a little bit better - when mommy is there. I think he associates "mommy" to feeling comforted - such a sweet experience for me! But, you should see him when he hears his Daddy's voice enter the room. Whether in the hospital or at home, when Adam comes in, Ethan's demeanor is immediately changed. On a particulary hard day for Ethan, he can sometimes go all day without so much as a grin for me, but each and every time, good day or bad, he gets visibly excited when he hears and sees his dad.
Our front door is behind our living room area, so when Adam comes home in the evening and starts talking, Ethan will pull away from his bottle and stretch his neck to find his Dad. So Adam walks quickly into the living room so Ethan can see the person he hears. And he gets so happy! Smiles to no end, babbles back to Adam like crazy! No matter what Ethan has been through during the day, and no matter how fussy or cranky he can get, when Daddy's voice comes into range Ethan is energized and eager. It's a wonderful thing.
I was thinking about that more and more this morning when I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about the role of our Heavenly Father and the different aspects of His being that we need on a regular basis. Throughout this physical, mental and emotional battle with trying to accept that our baby son has cancer, I truly have felt comforted by the Lord many times. It really doesn't even cross my mind anymore that Ethan could die from this disease. I have a comforting peace about his healing, though I'm not looking forward to enduring the 'healing process'.
I feel the comfort, but I don't hear "Daddy's Voice". I don't feel energized and eager about much of anything as of late. Though I believe in Ethan's healing, the future is still empty and bleak in my mind. New "adventures" with Ethan revolve around new medications or hospital trips. New "memories" as a family revolve around some things that you really don't want to remember. Daily activities are more routine than enjoyed. And each day I wait and long to hear from my Heavenly Father so that I'm awakened from this shell of a person. So that I have the energized eagerness about living and doing and being. But nothing.
Comfort isn't always enough. As my adorable son shows me often. Comfort is important - and extremely necessary and appreciated. But so is energizing laughter, the ability to smile, the excitement that overwhelms you so much that your whole body is joyful.
My sweet Ethan, I wish you could give mommy an ounce of the delight that you have... especially the delight you get when you hear Daddy's voice.
Lord.... I need to hear it, too.