Friday, May 23, 2008

Happy 4 months, Ethan!

Today we do have to go back to the hospital here in Connecticut for another outpatient visit. Ethan's red blood cells were slightly low, so he needs a transfusion to get him through the long weekend. But the fun news is that Ethan is 4 months old today! My sister and her husband are flying in from Texas later this afternoon and I'm so excited to see them. How wonderful that we can celebrate Ethan's 4 months of life together with them!

Not to take away from my cutie's big day, but the truth is my heart is heavy today. I've been battling quite a bit of "junk" in my mind lately... and I feel I am on the verge of the Lord really showing me something that He needs me to understand or grasp. The idea that Ethan's situation is in part meant to teach me something about God and about myself, isn't lost on me. It's trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning that is causing me some trouble. I think I have touched the brink of what the Lord is trying to teach me and show me... and in all honesty, it's a hard revelation.

I'm learning that I am a very selfish person. I know my heart and I know it's true. I know I am not alone with that struggle, but nonetheless it is my struggle. And as I currently face the reality of "me", it's not a pretty picture. Deep down in the depths of my being there are layers and layers of absolute yuck that leak out so slowly and quietly that you'd never even know such a mess existed. But it does exist and it's there deep inside of me, never to have been dealt with before.

Coming face to face with my need and dependence on the Lord with regard to Ethan's life, He is at the same time showing me the areas in which I need Him in my own life. It is such a hard thing. Something I doubt I can even properly describe in words, except to say that I feel like there is a sort of "spring cleaning" happening in my life (and it's not the fun kind where you get to have a yard sale and make some money!)... no, instead it's a type of painful purging... and as the doors of each of my inner closets (for lack of better word) are being opened and dug through, there are items (areas) that need to be tossed out and let go of. Therein lies the part of the struggle. Nothing is hidden from God. So as He cleans out my closets, He's asking me tough questions about my willingness to let go of the items I've grown so used to carrying around with me. Control. Selfishness. Doubt. Laziness. Pain. Disappointment. Fear. Not just about this situation with my son, but also about my future as well as past things that have built up and never really been released.

I believe I understand what the clay must feel like when it thinks it's close to completion... close to being the vase or sculpture it was meant to be, only to have the potter smash it down and start over because there were areas inside the mold that needed to be smoothed out or it would crack down the road. That's best way I can describe what's going on in my life right now. And no, it isn't fun. In fact, it's very (very!) hard. And I want to give up, but I can't. It's as if this situation with Ethan has forced this cleansing and purging in my own life that has probably been needed for years. I need these areas cleaned up so that I have nothing left in me except the joy and peace of the Lord... not just for a moment but for a lifetime.

Imagine a line was drawn in the sand and on one side there was complete acceptance and understanding of God, His love, complete trust and joy in the Lord, but on the other side was my own need to control, worry, fear, etc. Throughout my life, I have tended to always put one foot on each side. So there would be days of love, joy and trust... but then there'd be days of the worry, fear and selfishness. I feel now that God is trying to pull me over to His side permanently and yet there's such a force trying to pull me the other direction. A spiritual tug-of-war. And though I want to live in complete understanding of who God is and His love for me, I'm stuck in the middle. I don't know how else to describe it other than I know this is a process. I feel like the light would turn on in my soul if I'd only flip the switch, but I can't seem to reach it just now. Darkness appears to be where I've settled. I don't want to stay here, but I can't seem to move until I've dealt with the areas that have already been exposed to the Light. And that takes work. There is much the Lord wants me to learn and realize about Himself, but I need the strength to do so.

I don't have much of a point other than to say that I'm truly in the middle of this. All of this.

And I'm trying....

Isaiah 64:8 But now, O LORD, thou art our Father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.


Hollie said...

Praying for YOU, Kasey! You are on my heart and mind always. I understand everything you just said and I will be praying for that extra help you need to 'reach the switch'....praying always!

HAPPY 4 MONTHS, ETHAN!!!!!!!! You are one precious boy! (with a amazing Mommy!!)

Carrie Comstock said...

Happy Four Months Little Man!!!! I hope you all have a great weekend with your family.

Like I told you yesterday...Allow God to heal your heart. Move on through those feelings to a place of peace. It may be hard to find that place to rest, but keep searching. The Lord WILL provide.


Anonymous said...

i will be praying for you. i feel myself struggling with the same things. wanting to do what's right but alot of times, finding a way not to. love from michigan

Your Husband said...

The Lord has been using you and Ethan in a mighty way and I'm confident He will help you through these tough times. You are a wonderful mom and an even better wife and I am so lucky to spend every day with you.

I love you so much and am here for you every step of the way.

Anonymous said...

Kasey--thank you for your transparency during this time in your life. I'm sure we all struggle with these same feelings, but most of the time we are not brave enough to verbalize them! God IS using you in this horrible circumstance. We are praying for you all--every day. Love, Molly

Anonymous said...

Your tenderness toward the Lord's correction and desire to do a work in your life shows the deep love you have for Him and the longing you have to serve Him.

It's not always easy to be His child, Kasey, in fact we can pretty much bet on it not being easy MOST of the time. But just like we press our own children to grow up and mature because we love them, He's pressing us to do the same because of His great love for us.

Psalm 51

You're doing a great job! Don't be too hard on yourself... It's just time to grow and get stronger. Grab your workout gear, girl, because your Trainer is ready to "Pump You Up!" :) Sorry, too much time spent at the gym!!! LOL...

Love and Prayers,

grandma kay said...

I am truly taken aback with your openness & insight. You being able to write these feelings down is such an instrument of God to all of us. I feel as if you are my devotional leader & although I am praying for you, you need to know how God is using you in our lives. You are a hard model to follow, but praise God that you are willing & sharing.
Kay Hayes

kseamen said...

Kasey, I have been reading your blog about sweet baby Ethan so that I don't have to keep bugging Adam with "How's the baby?". I've worked indirectly with Adam for several years and you, Adam, and sweet baby Ethan have been in my thoughts and prayers. Kasey, you are an amazing woman, wife, and mother. You are not selfish; I truly don't believe you have layers of yuck. None of us is perfect. Maybe your heavy feeling is due to the realization that we can't be perfect. Even for our precious babies we can't be perfect. God is leading you on a journey right now; a journey none of us would voluntarily sign up for. You are an inspiration to all who know you and/or read your blog. Happy Birthday to Ethan!!! And God bless you to you, Kacey. I know he already has.

Uncle Mike said...

Hi Kasey!! I want to say I am sorry for not writing often enough!! Mike and I have been so busy in the truck that I have not taken the time to check email or anything!!! Please know that Ethan is in our prayers daily...Don't worry about the lesson that you are supposed to be learning from all of this, "Be still and know I am God." not sure where that is in the Bible, but it is there! I am amazed at how strong you are Kasey, Ethan could not have a better Mommy!!! Take care, I promise that I will keep in touch!!! Love you, Uncle Mike and Kathy

Anonymous said...


Love Nana and Poppi

FordeFam said...

Beautiful description of this struggle!!! I too struggle with fear and worry!!! I really understand your word picture! Praying for you guys!!! So glad your going to get to celebrate Ethan's 4 month bday with your family! What a blessing! :)

Lizzie Fish said...

hi, i just wanted to leave a comment so you know that a bunch of strangers in louisiana are still here and praying for you and your family.

Megan said...

Happy 4 months Ethan!!! We love you.

When we pray for Ethan we are also always praying for you and Adam. I have to say that even though this is tough you are lucky to feel God's presence working in you, you know he is there and you are feeling him. Just surrender and let God do all the work. We are all fallen creatures and every day God works in us to become the person he has made us to be. I admire you for being in touch with God to see what he is trying to do. We are all on this journey together and I am so thankful God is looking out for us. I'm not sure why I get so amazed each time a prayer is answered but I do. When I read your blog after the Boston trip I got chills reading about all our prayers that were answered. Why am I shocked? God says he who asks shall receive.
Praying for you all!

Megan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
huntsouth said...

He remembers that we are dust and He is full of mercy! Praise the Lord for that. It is so easy to slip from the heights of thankfulness to the pit of despair and apathy and defeat(remember Elijah!). Get lots of rest and lean hard on the Lord. We love you and pray daily for you. Love, Amy Hunt