too much

Ethan just went down for his morning nap and I decided to catch up on some computer time. Little did I know I was only minutes away from rapid tears streaming down my face in such a way that I had to get up and walk around the bedroom several times before sitting back down at the computer desk.

I started reading some blogs I follow - catching up on some of my favorites - and stumbled upon another blog (my heart breaks because there are soooo many websites of parents asking for prayer for their deathly sick children) of a mom, broken and weary as her 5 month old son fights for his life in the hospital. And though her son is fighting a completely different disease than our Ethan had been fighting, I was immediately taken back into those days of being in the hospital with him. The beeping machines, the various IV and tubes, the nurses & doctors giving hourly updates, the medications.... the fear.... the tears.... the prayers.... the ups and downs. All of it.

And I couldn't have stopped my crying this morning if I tried. But they weren't only tears of understanding the burden this mother is carrying, but my tears were also those of not understanding. Not understanding why Ethan has had his life restored. His life saved. When others do not. Crying in humility that my son is with me here at home, thriving, and this other child is literally a breath away from death. I can't stop the tears even now. I feel so unworthy of such a miracle, and even though I fully know our miracle didn't happen because we "deserved it", I still can't help but feel so small that God would give such mercy to us. I want my child saved. I believe he has been. But I also want these other children... these other families.... to have that as well. And it's so difficult to reconcile it all. But I know, as I've said many times, that God ways and dealings in our lives serve a significant purpose. All for His glory, in whatever shape or form that may be. If Ethan being alive after everything he went through, touches the life of someone else and leads them to the Lord, then that's reason enough for the miracle. And as hard as it is to even type these next words, if the testimony of the family who suffers the loss of a child touches someone (or many someones) who might not otherwise have been reached, and brings them closer to the Lord, then that is likewise a miracle. Father, whichever miracle this weary family receives, give them peace and comfort at this moment.

It's not easy to wrap our minds around it all. Because even now I feel uneasy. But through the weeping I know God has a purpose in all He does and allows. I know it and believe it. Sometimes He asks for what appears to be too much for us to sacrifice.... but He restores the broken pieces. He's faithful and He restores.

Lord, I don't always understand.... but I'm so thankful.... Ethan's life.... his healing..... allow this sobbing state I'm in somehow express to You my thanksgiving. Words fail me.