oil in my lamp

I woke up around 4:30 this morning with a terrible headache. Thankfully, Ethan was still asleep. I was praying that God would take the pain away because I had so much to do today as we prepare to leave tomorrow. I had medicine I could take, but I have to take it with food, so I just laid in bed debating on what to do. Slowly, I began to also feel sick to my stomach. I thought, oh no! Please don't let me throw up on top of everything else! Then I REALLY won't be able to handle today like I need to. Of course, by this time, Ethan's nurse has come in to draw blood from his central line. This wakes him up, so I have no choice but to get up and take care of him. As I get up, I grab the medicine, a diet dr. pepper (yes, I do have a slight addiction), and some graham crackers and I ask the Lord one last time to give me strength to get past how yucky I felt. I choke down a graham cracker, feeling sick to my stomach the whole time, then went on to take my headache medicine. Ethan took some formula then went back to sleep. I was tempted to do the same, but I knew if I didn't get a grip on the day, it would get the best of me. So, I took a shower then walked across the street to get an Egg McMuffin (yes, food does often motivate me!).

I started feeling better as I began on my walk. During those few moments, I saw parents coming in and out of the hospital with their children. Some with minor problems, some with major. And I couldn't help the tears that began to swell up in my eyes. Since, I already looked ridiculous walking across the street with wet hair on a chilly morning, I didn't want to give anyone any additional reason to look my way, so I tried to hold back my tears as best I could. But the truth is, seeing all the hustle & bustle around me - all the parents, family members, sick children and their siblings - caused me to get outside of myself and understand something that tends to be so easy for me to forget lately... I am not alone. Yes, I have a wonderful support system of friends (you!) and family and I have a husband that blesses my life in more ways than I deserve, but even still, it's so easy to get consumed with what's on my plate that I tend to lose sight of the truth that God is with me. God is for me. God has blessed me. It was all I could do to stop there in the middle of the street and apologize to my Lord for being ungrateful... for losing sight of the bigger picture. His picture.

On my way back to the hospital, a song that I haven't even thought of in years, all of a sudden came to my mind. I remember learning it at Vacation Bible School when I was a little girl. I'll share the lyrics of one of the verses with you... the verse that I kept singing over and over in my mind...

Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning
Give me oil in my lamp, I pray
Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning
Keep me burning 'til the break of day
Sing hosanna, sing hosanna
Sing hosanna to the King of Kings
Sing hosanna, sing hosanna
Sing hosanna to the King of Kings

I don't believe it to be coincidence that this old children's Bible song came to my mind. My thoughts immediately went into prayer.

Give me oil in my lamp, Lord. Keep me burning... burning through the weak moments, burning through the pain, burning through tired times... give me Oil in my lamp and keep me burning for You... until Your work is done.

My headache isn't gone, but it's a dulled, more do-able, pain right now. But even with the ache in my head, I'm feeling revived. Slightly, but revived nonetheless. We've been in this trial, this testing of our faith, for more than 5 months now. The past 7 weeks being possibly the hardest in many ways, but also the best in others. Ethan has done miraculously well with each and every step of this process. I've mentioned before, that every side effect and problem we were told to expect, never.... NEVER.... happened. He was never in pain, never had to suffer more than a few minutes. Never lost his appetite. He was never "not himself".

And tomorrow, we get to take him home.

It's hard to even see the keyboard right now.... I'm crying tears of thankfulness to the Lord for ALL He has done. I do not deserve the grace, mercy and blessing He has abundantly given to us as our son has had to endure cancer and the necessary treatments to cure him. But that's the uncomprehendable beauty of Christ... we don't deserve anything from Him, but He gives and gives and gives. Again... and again... and again. None of this was supposed to be easy, and my own struggles aside, I have to honestly say this has been very easy for Ethan overall. And that's really all I wanted.

I'm overcome as I take it all in.

His counts yesterday were 1,080 and today they are 1,680. We are surely going home tomorrow. And though we will have to be back up here on Monday for a clinic visit, and possibly also next Wednesday and Friday... and even more times in the coming weeks/months, I'm hopeful that the worst is behind us and remembering that He who began a good work will not stop now.

Give me oil in my lamp... keep me burning for You, Lord... 'til the break of day. Thank You for burning the midnight oils for me, over and over.