I am quite sure Ethan has grown well accustomed to my comforting him. He cries a little less, he calms a little easier, he cuddles a little bit better - when mommy is there. I think he associates "mommy" to feeling comforted - such a sweet experience for me! But, you should see him when he hears his Daddy's voice enter the room. Whether in the hospital or at home, when Adam comes in, Ethan's demeanor is immediately changed. On a particulary hard day for Ethan, he can sometimes go all day without so much as a grin for me, but each and every time, good day or bad, he gets visibly excited when he hears and sees his dad.
Our front door is behind our living room area, so when Adam comes home in the evening and starts talking, Ethan will pull away from his bottle and stretch his neck to find his Dad. So Adam walks quickly into the living room so Ethan can see the person he hears. And he gets so happy! Smiles to no end, babbles back to Adam like crazy! No matter what Ethan has been through during the day, and no matter how fussy or cranky he can get, when Daddy's voice comes into range Ethan is energized and eager. It's a wonderful thing.
I was thinking about that more and more this morning when I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about the role of our Heavenly Father and the different aspects of His being that we need on a regular basis. Throughout this physical, mental and emotional battle with trying to accept that our baby son has cancer, I truly have felt comforted by the Lord many times. It really doesn't even cross my mind anymore that Ethan could die from this disease. I have a comforting peace about his healing, though I'm not looking forward to enduring the 'healing process'.
I feel the comfort, but I don't hear "Daddy's Voice". I don't feel energized and eager about much of anything as of late. Though I believe in Ethan's healing, the future is still empty and bleak in my mind. New "adventures" with Ethan revolve around new medications or hospital trips. New "memories" as a family revolve around some things that you really don't want to remember. Daily activities are more routine than enjoyed. And each day I wait and long to hear from my Heavenly Father so that I'm awakened from this shell of a person. So that I have the energized eagerness about living and doing and being. But nothing.
Comfort isn't always enough. As my adorable son shows me often. Comfort is important - and extremely necessary and appreciated. But so is energizing laughter, the ability to smile, the excitement that overwhelms you so much that your whole body is joyful.
My sweet Ethan, I wish you could give mommy an ounce of the delight that you have... especially the delight you get when you hear Daddy's voice.
Lord.... I need to hear it, too.
8 comments:
Kasey, I am home from church this morning with a child who feels a little sick to his tummy....and I came to your blog looking for some good news from Friday. I want to say that I am moved to tears by what you write these last 4 days. I had been praying daily for you and Adam and Ethan and I am feeling guilty for not really paying much attention for a couple of days....oh, you know little thoughts here and there, but not real prayer. I am sorry, and although I know God is not "punishing" you because one person didn't pray specifically for you for a couple of days, it sure makes me think how VERY important it is to God and you. You need the prayer from all sides going up to our Lord. I will go back to making sure everyday I bring your names to my Father in Heaven, bringing your HUGE and what some might think SMALL things to HIM...you need to rest, you need to not have headaches, and you need to eat and laugh and enjoy times with your baby and your husband. I will continue to pray for God's healing hand on Ethan's little body, but I will make sure to bring all the daily things you need to Him too.
Kasey, I can't imagine what you are going through, I have been blessed thus far in my life. But God can give me knowledge in what to ask and pray for and faith to know HE can heal Ethan. I am thankful I can do that for you, in love.
Love and daily prayers,
Kim
Isaiah 58:9 "Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am......"
I am praying that you hear our Father's voice right now when it is needed most! He knows our needs and I am praying He speaks to you now in this very stressful, emotional time. Praying hard, Kasey!
Thank you for your honestly and allowing me to witness God at work! He loves us so much! Love & Hugs!!
At church this morning I really thought of Ethan. I was hoping the message today would speak to me and it sure did. Please read Philippians, it is to long to write but we discussed chapter 1 and 2, what a wonderful reminder of who we are suppose to be like. I pray you also have friends and family close by that can come give you a break, a little moment to emotionally get away. I wish I was there to help take care of you and your family. If you need anything please ask, I can mail things your way. We have been and will continue to pray for Ethan, you and Adam. I remember when my daughter started showing excitement when Daddy got home, today she now walks as fast as she can to the door when he comes in. These are priceless moments we cherish.
God Bless you Kasey. God is right beside you every step of the way, you are never alone.
Megan
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Sometimes He comes in a still small voice. in the craziness of your life right now, try to get away by yourself (maybe even in another room) and be still, to hear His calming voice. obviously not a voice you can hear but that you KNOW is there. put all your focus on Him. God promises when we seek Him with our whole heart, we WILL find Him. praying for you as you seek His face.
michelle from mi.
I love you Kasey and am praying for you this very hour. You are doing an amazing job.
My prayer: Lord continue to sustain Kasey and Adam. Provide their sweet baby with healing, rest and all that his little body needs. Thank you Jesus for all that you do and all that you are going to do. Show us your limitless power and love, pour it over Kasey, Adam, and Ethan. Amaze us Lord. Amen.
I feel and hear your breaking heart Kasey. And it hurts me that I don't have anything to say or do to make you feel better. So just know that I pray and think of you daily! And don't ever forget that no one- not even Adam can love, care for, play, hurt and ache for your baby like you can! And that is amazing! Mommies are amazing people, and though Ethan maybe to young to realize that yet, He will one day! Bryana
Praying that God comforts you during this long road! Ethan has such a loving family to help him right now. You are such a blessing! If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know!
~Lori
My Beautiful Kasey Jean... I truely mean this. Your beauty shines on the outside from that wonderful honest,raw,sincere & transparent inside you allow all of us to see. Your writings bring me to tears and at the same time allow me to see things from your perspective. It is very easy for all of us to give advise, offer prayer, and send our very heartfelt comments to you. It is another thing to live out 24/7 what you are experiencing. You may not see God's hand or hear his voice on you but we certainly can. Your walk seems to get closer and closer to him everytime I read your Blog.. you just have the guts to tell us when you have doubts.. most of us are afraid to admit that about ourselves.. God knows our true feelings and loves us inspite of our weaknesses.I like your friend Kim have prayed on and off but want to be faithful to pray for you diligently. My request is that you lift us up to the Lord and ask him to remind us of you often.. and when you do come to mind to pray earnestly for you wherever we are. Jesus said, "I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Matthew 18:19-20
Holding you Close at Heart~~ MM
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